Remembering Byron Black 6-25-67 - 3-25-2007

Clean is the autumn wind,
Splendid the autumn moon,
The blown leaves are heaped and scattered,
The ice-cold raven starts from its roost.
Dreaming of you - when shall I see you again?
On this night sorrow fills my
heart.
~Li Po (701-762)

It's been six weeks today that I have been a widow. What a word...widow. I looked up the word in the dictionary because I still have such difficulty comprehending the fact that I am alone.

I have to say that this part of the definition is the one that describes me the most. Yes, I have lost my husband by death and have not remarried, but the words of this part really ring true..."to deprive of anything cherished or needed." I feel physically ill sometimes just thinking of how much I miss him and how much I need him. I can't even really find the words to express how much emptiness and sadness I feel most of the time.

I am coping, so don't think I'm falling off the deep end or anything. I just am so alone and sad. I am working with my doctor and we have my depression and sleeplessness under control (somewhat) and I am going to a grief support group twice a month...those have really helped me and they have helped the boys. I keep waiting and hoping for some magical day to arrive where I really feel "better." I don't think it's going to happen, though. I will keep hoping for it though...hope is something I never want to give up. I've given up so much that if I let hope go, all will be lost.